How to make a "Blizzard Survival Kit" for Drivers

External Since: Feb 26, 2008 Posts: 1

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External Since: Jun 24, 2007 Posts: 12

In article <7ke7s3di7kqd49i8q0e0ju7pvv2036m25d.TakeThisOut@4ax.com>,
mikecollier.TakeThisOut@gmail2.com wrote:

> Making a "Blizzard Survival Kit" !!!
>
> You're driving down the road in a winter blizzard. The thermometer
> reads minus 25, the winds are blowing 50mph and you cant see ten feet
> ahead of you. Suddenly your car slides off the road into a ditch and
> a deep snow bank. The snow is packed under the car so the wheels do
> nothing but spin. You don't have a snow shovel to dig the car out, or
> a safety flare to alert the authorities. Your cellphone battery is
> dead, and you're freezing cold. You know you will soon die from
> exposure and freaze to deeth. What are you going to do as you kneel
> on the front seat of your car praying to the plastic Jesus hanging on
> your rear-view mirror, while cussing out God because of the tragedy
> you are experiencing.
>
> But, you know you're prepared for an emergency such as this, because
> you were smart enough to create a "Blizzard Survival Kit" long before
> this disaster occurred, and every good driver knows that sooner or
> later this disaster WILL happen.
>
> You open the glove compartment and find a small carboard box. Inside
> the box is an ice pick, book of matches, some cotton, a nail, some
> bubblegum, and a candle.
>
> Here's how to use your "Blizzard Survival Kit".
>
> 1. Empty contents of the box.
>
> 2. Puncture the bottom of the cardboard box with the nail and stick
> the nail into the bottom of the candle so the candle stands upright
> inside the box.
>
> 3. Place the cotton around the base of the candle inside the box.
>
> 4. Light the candle inside the car so the wind does not blow out the
> match.
>
> 5. Take the ice pick and puncture a small hole in your cars gas tank.
>
> 6. Carry the "Blizzard Survival Kit" with burning candle to the rear
> of the car and place the box near (but not too close) to the leak in
> the gas tank which you made with your ice pick.
>
> 7. Grab your plastic Jesus and get at least 500 feet away from the
> car. This will be the toughest time because you will be freezing cold
> and all you can do is wait, while praying to your plastic Jesus for a
> place in his plastic heaven, if you should die.
>
> 8. Several minutes pass, and you'll suddenly notice the cotton ignite
> in the box, setting the box on fire, which will then ignite the
> dripping gasoline. Seconds later the entire contents of your gas tank
> will ignite, explode, and begin to burn with a very hot fire. This is
> when you can walk closer to the fire and warm up. The flames and
> thick black smoke will alert the authorities that you are there, and
> they will come to assist. Best yet, the heat from the gasoline fire
> will melt the snow around your car so you can easily drive away after
> you insert the bubblegum in the hole in the gas tank, and refill the
> tank with gas.
>
> Today is a great day to create your very own "Blizzard Survival Kit".
> Don't wait until disaster strikes, and it's too late when the
> authorities find your frozen dead body on the side of the road.
>
>
> This road safety tip is provided as a courtesy by Mike's Auto Salvage
> of Sarasota, Florida.
>
> Mike

Thanks Mike. Why not just shove the plastic Jesus up your ass and light
it on fire, too? Should help warm you from the inside.